18.12.2015

18.12.2015

last night, i stayed awake after midnight
listening to you call my name
sitting, shattered and helpless, by your bedside
seeing you battle pain
giving you sips of water
caressing your face
and finding my own solace in the touch of your hands

it was the time for waiting

as dawn came, and the sun rose
your soul rose too
leaving your body quietened forever

for the first time in my life
i met death
i felt
.

i ignited your pyre with my hands
saw you embraced by the sacred fire
and carried into the sky by the wind

lightness filled me
and i wanted to share what i felt with you
but you aren't here

.

this morning, we collected your ash
consecrated you to the holy water
and offered our obeisance

earth. fire. wind. water.
mokṣa

.

i cannot birth words that can contain my love for you
so i remain silent

sometimes unexplainable tears flow
sometimes mid-sentence i'm touched by your memory

i'm still learning to comprehend

but, at heart, i'm ungrieving
it was the time to let you make your journey
i will never know where

.

now, every morning will remind me of you
and with every sunrise,
you'll arise in me

i will continue to do my karma
with a knowing, that your story will continue in me

. . .

a soul born in the mountains of nepal
orphaned at young age
migrated from his country land
orbited for years through the breadth of india
chose to marry an orphan
created a family of two girls
worked till the age of eighty
became nana to his granddaughter
completed ninety years
lived a full life

my papa. my wise-old-sage

. . .

saturday nightfall
the nineteenth
mārgaśīrṣa