Showing posts with label prāṇa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prāṇa. Show all posts

waiting for the moon

waiting for the moon





i sit under the stars, waiting for the moon.
it's late tonight.
with me in my balcony, two new roses await too.
the cool śiśira purvai comes and goes
and far on the hillroad, moving vehicles create haikus with their light.

like flowers blooming on a summer's night
my body is fragrant with contentment
being here, having enough time in my day
and space inside me, for waiting
whenever the moon is late.

. . .

sunday night
the nineteenth
māgha

the night feels mine alone

the night feels mine alone





as darkness falls
somewhere inside me, i rise.

the night feels mine alone.

that place

that place





still narrates our old tale
there was our meeting sometime.

the shaded street with its tall trees,
the moving of the traffic and their uncertain noise.
it still reminds me of our rare passing by
and the silences that we wore too.

today, as i retreat my steps on the same street,
i see how our unspoken words have made pages
of pavements and compound walls.
and mellowing branches bend over
to read from those pages to their new born leaves
in the fading evening light.

moonless nights

moonless nights





many moonless nights have passed
since i last let my fingers
leak thoughts on blank pages.
my words have been mute; lingering inside,
quietly carrying the gravity of my days.

sometimes i rain
others, remain gray and heavy.

slowly

slowly




slowly,
i reveal myself to me.

in silence

in silence





milk bubbles dance over bright orange shreds of carrots
with one hand i balance saanjh on my hips
and with the other stir the condensing mixture.
we stand there like that for few more minutes,
she, watching on curiously and i, stirring.
we repeat this often in between doing other things
sweeping, changing sheets, sunning achaars,
bathing saanjh and cutting her nails.
after three hours, it's lunch time and gajar ka halwa is ready.
we sit down to eat and saanjh asks for a story.
i create a new one. of a mermaid and a little girl.
the story continues as we take a brief stroll around the house after lunch.
then it's nap time. a little laughter, a little persistence and saanjh's asleep.
i call mayur and remember to attend mails
once done, i sit down by myself after a full morning.
and watch sunlight growing on the balcony floor.
these days, i'm without words.
silence eclipses me like sunlight on the floor.
everything inside remains unspoken, simmering.
sometimes it's relieving to forget words, to lose them
and immerse yourself in doing things silently.

in time, saanjh will wake and there will be stories to tell and things to do
until then, i have a burning lamp and
a bottle of flowers on the windowsill
to sit with, in silence.

. . .

thursday afternoon
the twelfth
pauṣa

i am in my thoughts

i am in my thoughts




when you look at me
look beyond the walls of my skin
i am in my thoughts.

evenings like these

evenings like these




there are evenings,
evenings like these,
when i stand beneath the sky
alone against its limitless expanse
and feel like a flower bud in spring.
opening and unfolding
spreading out my soul in all it's entirety
until, without a noise, the landscapes begin to match.
both the inner and the above.

reading tagore by the window

reading tagore by the window




the more time you spend in nature, the more you realize every day that there is no greater or more beautiful thing than to be able to accomplish one’s everyday work with simplicity. everything, from grass on the field to the stars in the sky are doing precisely that; they're not trying to aggressively take over domains that are not their own, that's why nature is full of such deep peace and endless beauty. yet the little bit that each does is not negligible amount at all. the grass expends all its energy to survive as grass. it is not trying in vain to exceed its own strength to become a banyan tree, that's why the world is so beautiful and green. really, it's not because of large schemes and boastful talk, but because human beings fulfill  their small duties on a daily basis that human society has its share of ordered beauty and peace. whether it is poetry or bravery, none of these is complete in itself.

rabindranath tagore

my everyday rāga

 my everyday rāga





i live like the sun and the moon
doing the same things, everyday.

there are no events
no promise of adventure.
every moment, an ordinary devotion.

as i awake and look out my window
a morning star winks at me, before it goes
chasing the night sky into some faraway world.

after a bath and a glass of water,
i open my doors to a new day
and let our home fill up with the echo of hindustani ragas.
in the balcony, as i sweep fallen leaves and dried tulsi florets
the wind teases me, scattering them back all over.
i smile. familiar with the play. and resume sweeping.

the scent of freshly crushed spices in the kitchen
work their intoxication into my cooking.
and most days, my stay in the kitchen
goes beyond making breakfasts and lunches.
there are snacks, happy messes and
mithais made with saanjh by my side.

when the sun is high in the sky
i sit in the balcony letting its warmth heal my knotted shoulders.
there are things to make or mend.
like today, a new razai is beginning to become
a loving birthday gift for our starchild.

at dusk, i light our evening lamp
make dinner and meditate upon the setting sun,
the changing shapes of clouds,
the grazing cows with their tinkling bells,
the coming of the stars and moon.
and my soulmate’s return, who washes away my loneliness
and refills my day with his music.

at bedtime, as the world sleeps to the lullaby of the night
i elope from my tired body to tryst with my thoughts.
sometimes, on my way i meet midnight
other times, i stumble into dawn.

i’m for you

i’m for you





i’m a candle in a cathedral, burning with hope.
i’m an old tale haunting a heart.
i’m the soft monsoon cloud questing for a patch of earth that will welcome his weeping.
i’m the new skin come to veil wounds.
i’m a birdsong and the setting sun.
i’m the grass growing on the wayside, unnoticed.
i’m the wind you use to form love on your lips.
i’m what fills you for a moment. sometimes more.
then you flit. making me ephemeral.
but i’m pulsing, inside you. in places you’ll never reach.
i’m for you, but never yours.

happy radhashtami

happy radhashtami





a sweet day filled with quiet devotion.
i think of her, the goddess of love,
and listen to her braj geet.

my heart is a celebration.
happy radhashtami

white heat

white heat





i’m awake before the sun.
rain is meditating in the pre-dawn gloom
and the trees are still asleep in earth’s ardent arms.
from somewhere in the distance, a peacock calls
anointing the silence
like bells interspersing in a quiet temple.
the world feels intimate offering itself to me.
as i take in,
with each breath, i’m filling with the perfume of dawn.

and my mind begins to whirl, anew.

these days i’m constantly travelling
through the mountains, terrains and oceans of untold emotions.
meeting people who leave a part of them in me,
stirring and shifting my thoughts as i make space for them.

i spin and spin.
becoming another version of myself.
uncontained, i spill. into words.
words that are mostly fragments, making no sense.
but they set ablaze my morning sky with their white heat.

outside, the birds have begun to offer their salutations to the rising light.

. . .

tuesday, pre-dawn
the thirtieth
śrāvaṇa

words and silence

words and silence





i breathe in air
and breathe out silence
disguised in a thousand broken, shimmering words.
i hope, when you touch them by your lips,
they’ll melt on your tongue
slide down your throat
and find shelter in your bones.
like fallen stars always do in the dark, unreachable sky.

still breathing

still breathing 

 



you are not here
and life still continues to breathe
just like before.
the sun still brightens my days
and the moon perfumes my nights.
my life is still stringed with everyday joys.

i still feel. i still continue to love.

i still continue to touch your hand in your picture.
hoping, feeling you again.
still talk of you to saanjh as if you're with us. home. listening. smiling.
still think of you every time i make your favourite mithai.
still share my overwhelm with you every night listening to our favourite ghazals.

but not every moment i live.

i sometimes forget that you really aren't here.
every month i forget your anniversary, until ma reminds me.

when people who've known us together
ask me how i am in your absence.
i don't really answer that question
because i’m not sure i can explain.
i’m not sure they'll understand.

while you were here,
i lived with you and loved you like i’ll never love anyone
now when you're gone,
i hold you gently in me like i’d hold the most delicate withered flower.
with no less love than when it was fresh.
it has died, but it still breathes, in me. like you do.
there's no space for sadness.
only love.

everyday, yellowed leaves fall off their branch
and their trees live on gracefully.
how can their continued living be a measure of the love they shared together.

.

life goes on into the next day.
and death awaits.
always.

this chapter

this chapter





our balcony plants were drizzled with rainwater last night.
i woke up to find liquid kisses on smiling leaves.

.

with every house we've moved
there's always a distinctness.
like the beginning and end of a little era.
changing and evolving something
in me and the way we live.
changes that seem subtle on the outside
but which the heart knows is cardinal.

i see it in the pages of my memory
in the narration of my words,
and even in the colors of my photographs.
evidences and nuances all there
waiting to retrace our unfolding journey.

.

since coming to this house
i feel more nearer to the stars
on a clear night, their song twinkles
unobstructed and removed from tall buildings and city lights.
and on days watercolored with gray clouds
the hills are tumbling with wild poetry
and turning moss colored with every fall of rain.

i’m living my days more intimately with saanjh
making rituals, telling stories and
watching the world outside our window by each other's side.
capturing our everyday more devotedly in photographs
(thanks to our new camera and the breadth of this house).

there's so much i’m in love with.

but i’m also living isolated.
with no one to share the joy born of all that love.
except for my soulmate, i rarely have adult conversations.
the world around me seems ever-busy for heartfelt conversations of the erstwhile kind.
and since i’m not made for causal ones, my heart remains mute.

so i let it whisper through my words here, even if no one's reading.
wrap it in my prayers and cast it into the universe.

and continue to live this chapter, pursuing my karma.

. . .

friday late noon
the twenty fourth
jyeṣṭha

from light to dark

from light to dark





last night, the full bride moon
softly illumated the world
from behind the veil of gossamer clouds.

today, the brightest sun of the year beckoned us awake.
we spent our morning making mandalas
worshipping and inviting the light in.
the wind made its own hymn of the petals
while saanjh offered her own messy homage.

from here, we travel south
towards the dark and into our depths.
may it eclipse us in its wisdom,
ignite the lamp of faith within
and lead us back to light.

. . .

tuesday late noon
the twenty first
jyeṣṭha

lime, jasmine and tulsi blossom tea

lime, jasmine and tulsi blossom tea





the wind is wild outside.
inside, it's flying our curtains high as it can
and scattering dry grass from the amber bottle on the cupboard,
making them float all over the house as i try to gather them back.
a smile sprouts on my lips.

saanjh is taking her midday nap
i brew a little afternoon soirée with lime, jasmine and tulsi blossoms
and sit with the wind.
these moments of quiet solitude bring yin into my days.
inviting me to move around my mind’s meadow
smelling wild thoughts and harvesting ripe ones.

.

after long, the wind is still home.
and that smile on my face lingers a while longer.

. . .

friday evening
the seventeenth
jyeṣṭha

two gifts of kindness

two gifts of kindness





last week,

when someone i admire made an ode of my broken words,
her kindness beamed like moonlight on a deep night.
giving and so precious.

when reading an interview of someone who's work i regard and follow,
to find my name mentioned in her list of inspirers
was heartwarming and humbling.

i'm still soaking wet in all that love
thank you with all of me.

two gifts of kindness
and a sincerely thankful heart.

. . .

wednesday, evening
the twenty fifth
jyeṣṭha

crescent moon offering my natural-self

crescent moon  offering my natural-self





i'm earth. rooted to my thoughts, home and heart. i don't seek to see the world through travelling. i'm happy to voyage within myself, lift my gaze up to the ever-inviting sky and grow where i'm planted.
saanjh is water, like her papa, with a whiff of zephyr (and i believe, a dusting of my earth). her nature is to flow.

we diverge in a thousand way. which perhaps seems like an invitation to many folks around us to stress and continually oblige us to become like the other. more often, i'm urged (with all good intention) ‘to not raise her to become like me’. essentially because i love white and she loves colours, i love quiet and she loves vibrancy.

but as her mother, my soul intention is to raise her to love, whatever she may choose to love. and i can only foster that love through a language that i know how to speak. i cannot help her to fulfill her destiny as water by trying become water myself. i can only do it by offering my natural-self to her. even if it means that my offerings are quite limited as i simply walk her into my worship for nature, show her how to make with my hands and make the most of white which i do not know how to of an orange or blue (beautiful as they are), acquaint her with the blessing of quiet and instill her with a sense of respect for everyone including non-living things.

i'm learning to see motherhood as an intimate narration of my love story. the everyday telling of what i love and how i love.

and praying that life will nourish her with the rest.

. . .

tuesday, noontide
the tenth
vaiśākha